3.08.2016

For My Daddy: 1 Year Later

A year ago yesterday, my Daddy passed away right in front of my eyes. He was only 59. For the past year I have failed nearly a dozen times to produce in this space a proper post about him. I wrote his obituary for the paper (not exactly a fun task) but I want you all to know how special and important he was to me. But I have struggled--do I tell everything? The good and the bad? Just the good? I've decided to let whatever comes out, stay.

Last year was the hardest and fastest of my entire life. The hardest, I think is a given. But the fastest--I feel like I'm still catching up. Within the course of a week, these things happened:
  • he had surgery for his hip
  • they found cancer
  • he was given 6 months to live
  • he passed away a few days later
I was just beginning to process that I had six months. 
I'm mad I didn't get my six months. 
I only got two hours.



My Daddy and me

My Daddy was the oldest of three boys. I'm the oldest too, and there's a certain kinship there, with first born siblings. He was born and mostly raised in Waycross, GA, where I'm from. 

He was the most handsome boy in the entire school. I know this because I've heard it my entire life. ;) Even at his memorial service lots of women came up to me and told me this. But he was quiet. Not really shy, but kind of quiet they say. My Daddy was the DJ for the school's radio station. He had this awesome radio voice and sometimes would talk really deep to scare me and my sister for fun. 

He and one of his brothers moved to live with their dad, his wife and step-daughter in Maryland. The step-daughter had a babysitter, who was my mom. Long story short, they fell in love, got married, and two years later I was born. He was 21. They moved back to Waycross, where I was born, and he joined the Army.

My Daddy and me

We moved to KY and TN. Around 20 months later, my sister Jessica was born in TN. My Daddy was a huge music lover--such an eclectic taste that I inherited. In fact, all of his children's names have a m musical connection. Speaking of music, he played the blues harmonica. His youngest brother is a musician, and some of my best memories are of them jamming at family gatherings. 

You know how some families sit around at holidays and watch the big game together? Mine never was into sports--we're a big musical family. He had a great voice and I got my love of singing and music from him.

Eventually, he got out of the Army and when I was 3, we moved back to Waycross into the house that my mom still lives in to this day. 

My Daddy had these different phases in his life of various interests. I remember him loving motorcycles (Harley Davidson ONLY) and teaching my sister and me the various types. I remember the smell of his leather jacket he always wore. I remember his fish phase where we had aquariums all over the house of different types of fish, salamanders, and more. He had always loved stuff like that, and even had a pet alligator as a kid (we do live in the swamp, after all).

My Daddy and my brother

That love of all things aquatic got him into his next phase of being a scuba diver. He wanted to find treasure. He decided at that time to leave our family and eventually move to Orlando to become a scuba diver. Several years later, he married my step-mom and had my brother. They settled in another area of Florida for years.

He did underwater welding. I am pretty sure he also began his phase of hunting arrowheads--the tips of arrows fashioned from various stones made by Native Americans long ago. He loved this and was well-known for his talents. He had always said that he wanted some of his ashes to be at one of his favorite places to find arrowheads.

Me, Daddy, Sister

A few years after that, he got divorced and eventually moved back to his hometown. He started his own house painting business. My Daddy had huge love of history, of learning, of reading. No one could beat him at Jeopardy--I like to think I get my smarts from him. 

Me, Daddy, Sister

My Daddy was always very funny and loved kids. My cousins all have the best memories of him playing with them. Kids remember stuff like that, when adults give them attention and actually get on the floor to play with them. He was very patient with kids too. And six years ago he became a Grandaddy, and let me tell you, he LOVED those 3 babies. My last memory of him was at Christmas making slingshots with my nephew, Cam.

At Christmas, I could tell something was up. He seemed like he didn't feel well. In January my Grandmother called because he was in such pain that he couldn't get out of the bed. The Dr. said it was bursitis and sent him home. We found out later there were appointments he didn't go to. In February we found out his hip was broken and he was going to get it replaced. At the end of February I talked to him on the phone the day of his surgery. It was the last time I ever got to talk to him. 

We found out he had liver cancer, due to many years of alcohol abuse. It was not a surprise that this would happen one day but still a huge shock. I made the 5 hour drive down to see him. By this time he was asleep but when I told him it was me, he made a noise, and I knew he knew I was there. Two hours later, he passed away.


I'll always remember my Daddy as kind. A good listener. And hilarious. I know I don't come across as funny on here (you need to watch my videos for that) but I know I get my sense of humor from him. He was so smart. He was the light of the room but never had to have that spotlight. He was so handsome. I'll remember his laughter--he had the best laugh. I'm scared I'll forget that sound. I'll remember his smile. And I'll remember those gorgeous blue-green eyes that I was so lucky to inherit. He was so many things to many people, throughout these different phases of his life. I'm so glad I got to be a part of it.


I just want to thank everyone for their love, prayers, thoughts, and support over the last year. Your packages, letters, cards, emails, and comments have been a source of comfort for me. Thank you.

75 comments:

  1. This is such a tough day for you, Elle- I cannot imagine. But I've followed your journey over the past year, and your strength shines through (even over the Internet!). This is a lovely memorial post for your father, who was- I'm sure- so, SO proud of you.

    Thinking of you today!

    -Ashley
    Le Stylo Rouge

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  2. Gosh what an amazing tribute to your dad. I am so so sorry. Prayers for you and your family as you continue to go through life without him.

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  3. This is a lovely tribute to your Dad! Thinking of you and sending hugs!

    Jill
    Doused In Pink

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  4. It's such an awful thing and I can't even begin to imagine how much it must hurt - your dad seemed like an amazing person who lived a very full life.

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  5. Oh wow girl. I can't even imagine how hard this must have been for you. This is such a lovely post for your dad. Thinking of you today! <3, Pamela Sequins & Sea Breezes

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  6. This is a beautiful tribute, Elle. You are so strong to write this. Thinking of you today!

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  7. oh what a loving post to your dad! you can tell you guys had a special bond. my dad loved to scuba dive too - and it's what brought him to florida before i was born! clearly take after him in that way. thanks for sharing your memories!

    xoxo cheshire kat

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  8. oh honeygirl! this is an amazing post for your dad. My dad is the same age and I can't imagine thepain you must feel. Hugs <3

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  9. What a beautiful post! You certainly celebrated his life and his impact - continue to do that today and every day.

    xoxo,
    little luxury list formerly Chic 'n Cheap Living

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  10. Wow, what a beautiful and emotional post, Elle. I know your father is looking down on you with his heart full of love and pride for the beautiful women you have become. Thank you for sharing your love and loss with us. I absolutely adore you !! xoxo

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  11. This is truly such a beautiful tribute to your father, Elle. I know he's watching over you, and reading these very words, and he's so proud of each and every one of them. And of you, of course. You are lucky to have had such an amazing man in your life.

    xx

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  12. What a beautiful tribute to your father. Sounds like he touched the lives of many. I lost my father to lung cancer ten years ago. It still hurts a lot, at times, to imagine I won't see him again until we meet in Heaven.

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  13. This is beautiful Elle!! I bet he was so proud of you!! He is a light that will shine bright in your heart I am sure!! Extra prayers, love and hugs your way!! xo

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  14. So loved learning so much about your dad. Love he instilled in you so many great things - music, smarts. I love a guy that is competitive in jeopardy :) & love he hunted for arrow heads. That's for sure a KY/TN thing :) I know your heart is aching today more then ever. Sending you hugs. Keep those memories alive. I'm sure they bring you comfort.

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  15. This must have been such a hard post for you to write, but thank you for letting us learn more about you, your family, and your dad. I will be thinking about you!

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  16. Ohh Elle, this is beautiful and thank you for sharing with us what a wonderful man he was. This is such a beautifully written tribute to your father. Hugs my friend. xx

    Shireen | Reflection of Sanity

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  17. You wrote it beautifully, Elle. It wasn't easy for me to read the full post - though I did - but I could feel the love in every word and line. You know, I think the hardest part of dealing with loss like this is how suddenly it happens. I know people wouldn't get me if I compare a loss of a person to my dog, but for me my pup was my baby and a family and so was your dad - an irreplaceable part of your life. I think if he was older and really-really ill, if my pup was much older and really ill, going through loss would be more bearable. But with things like this... It feels unfair and very cruel. And I am crying when writing this (and you are probably doing the same whilst reading), but all I can say is that your dad knew how loved and special he was and he had everyone with him that day. I don't even know if a pain like this ever goes away (and I bloody hope it becomes easier!), so right now I am thinking of you and sending you a million hugs. x

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  18. I'm sorry for your loss, this must have been a hard post for you. Thanks for sharing such a hard subject. xox

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  19. Elle, I still remember reading your post about losing your father a year ago... it was so touching... and I'm even more moved today. This is a good reminder to us that no one has a guaranteed time left here and that we need to be there for each other now and not later xox (((HUGS)))

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  20. You are in my thoughts and prayers, Elle. As a person who has lost a parent to cancer, I can only imagine what this week or the past year has been like for you. It took courage to write this post, and I hope that you also found some healing in sharing your thoughts and feelings about your father. Thanks for sharing him with us today.

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  21. I remember tearing up at the post you wrote last year and I'm doing the same again today. Your Dad would be so proud of you xx

    Beautylymin

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  22. Elle, you are so brave for sharing this post. Though I can't imagine how painful it might have been to write, it's a beautiful and touching tribute to your father's life. He sounds like such an amazing man and though your time with him was cut short, it sounds like his years were filled to the brim with life, adventure, love and happiness. Keeping you in my thoughts on this difficult day. <3

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  23. Oh sweet friend, I've been thinking about you this month. I could not remember the day, but I knew March brought sadness to you last year. I am so sorry for your loss, it never seems right or fair to lose a parent so early in life. Your father was an incredibly handsome man and sounds like a wonderful human. You did so well portraying him telling us who he was, to you and the world. Such an honoring tribute to his memory. Love and hugs to you!

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  24. This was beautifully written Elle. I can't even begin to imagine how hard this last year has been for you. Through this post I could feel your love for him and tell what a great father he was to you. Thinking of you this week.

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  25. Such a lovely tribute. I am so sorry he went so fast and you did not get the time to prepare and say goodbye. It is a tough deal. But it has made you into a tough lady! Sending you hugs.

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  26. This is such a sweet post, Elle. Your dad sounds like he was a great father. I can't imagine how difficult it would be to write a post like this. You did a great job conveying his personality. My thoughts are with you!

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  27. Beautiful tribute to your father. Thinking of you.

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  28. I can't even imagine what you went through a year ago and what you went through over the past year! My heart just hurts for you! It sounds like your dad was such a wonderful man who loved life to its fullest and had so many different passions! Christmas at your house with all the music sounds like so much fun!

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  29. Such a sweet post, sending you lots of *hugs* during this tough week <3
    Green Fashionista

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  30. You are such a great write and I this post is so beautiful. You look so much like him and I've seen your sense of humor come across in your videos. I know he is so proud of you and is with you always. I started reading your blog daily right before he passed and I've been praying for you and keeping you in my thoughts every since. Even though we've never met, I feel like I know you and I consider you a dear friend. I know you'll see him again and until that day, he'll always be watching over you.

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  31. I can only imagine how difficult this past year has been for you. This is a beautiful tribute and your daddy was blessed to have you as his daughter. Wishing you solace and peace during this time.

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  32. He sounds like such a great man and dad, what wonderful memories-- I'm sending you a giant hug today!

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  33. This was beautiful write. It so hard to loss a love one. They say over time you will heal but I don't believe it. Sending you a huge hug.

    http://www.amysfashionblog.com/blog-home/

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  34. Oh Elle, this was such a great tribute to your dad, he sounds like he was such a character with a big personality. I'm thinking of you and your family right now!

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  35. This is such a beautiful post, Elle. My heart is always with you and goes out to you every time you post about your daddy.

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  36. So sorry for your loss of your sweet dad. My dad has had a lot of problems recently, he is 73 and just aging. He has to have a surgery every 6 months and I worry every time... and other stuff. It hard. I'm sorry you didn't get those 6 months, but maybe he would have suffered a lot during them. It is always so hard to say goodbye. It sounds like you were a loving daughter and he was a huge influence in your life. You were so blessed to have him!

    Carrie
    curlycraftymom.com

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  37. Such a wonderful post. You can truly tell your love for your dad through your words. Sending thoughts of comfort your way!

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  38. Your dad sounds like an amazing man and father. I really enjoyed reading your tribute to him. Hugs for you today as you remember him.

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  39. What a lovingly written tribute Elle. This day will probably always be tough for you but take some small comfort in the time that you had with him. I'm sure he would be so proud of your continued strength.

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  40. I am so sorry about your Daddy. This is a beautiful post. I know he'd be proud of you.

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  41. Oh, Elle! What a beautiful post on his sweet memory. I am so sorry it has been an entire year, I do remember your announcement last year and how sad I felt about it. And I actually had a client who did underwater welding so I know how incredibly regimented and difficult that is, he must have had a steady hand and a patient work ethic. I believe that you were told he was so handsome your whole life, he looks like Tom Selleck. Hugs to you on this emotional day.

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  42. So very well written, Elle! So beautiful! I can't even imagine the pain you went through, I am so sorry.

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  43. Your dad gave you such wonderful traits and characteristics and hopefully you see a little bit of him in you. Father / daughter bonds are special and last forever

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  44. I'm so sorry for your loss, and I'm glad you decided to honor your dad a year later. He sounds like an amazing man.

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  45. Oh sweet girl. Thinking of you today. Such a beautiful tribute. I hate that your time at the end was way too short, but I am so glad that your time together was so full of life. It's so evident by all of these pictures

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  46. It sounds like you have wonderful memories with him and of him. That is the best legacy someone can leave behind. I'm sorry you lost him. :/

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  47. This post was beautiful and full of memories. Your Dad sounds like he was such an amazing person!

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  48. I am so sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing this beautiful story and all of your heartfelt memories, thinking of you today! xx

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  49. Aw Elle! This was such a beautiful post! Your daddy seemed like such an amazing guy and I know he is so happy and proud looking down on you! Thinking of you!

    <3 Shannon
    Upbeat Soles

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  50. What a beautifully written piece. The photos are such a great touch. I truly am sorry for your loss. It sure does sound like you have some fond memories to hold onto though. <3

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  51. I'm sending so much love your way. This was a beautiful tribute and I just know he'd be revelling in this. Your father was definitely handsome (and I don't mean that in a creeper kind of way!) and sounds like a perfect father no less. It's so terrible his life was cut so short and that time was not on your side that day. I do happen to think he's still around you, watching over you and probably pointing out new music to you every now and then.

    Sxx
    www.daringcoco.com

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  52. What a beautiful tribute. I wrote my dad's obituary in January and can agree--not a task I ever saw myself taking on. Hugs lady.

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  53. this is such a beautifully written post Elle. I am so sorry for your loss. Your dad sounds absolutely amazing.

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  54. This is beautiful, Elle. You describe him so well. A wonderful tribute to an exceptional man. He had a full life: too short but filled with music, love and adventure. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

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  55. Such a beautiful post, Elle and I'm so sorry of your loss. Such a darling photo of you and your dad that you'll be able to cherish all your life.

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  56. This post is so beautiful Elle. You father sounds like he was a wonderful man. Sadly, his life was cut too short. May you find comfort in the memories you have of your beloved father.

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  57. Beautiful post, Elle. My father died from cancer 9 years ago at age 57. It's still something I'm grappling with - the good and the bad from our life together. My thoughts and prayers are with you!

    Aubrey Leigh

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  58. This was such a beautiful tribute. I can't even imagine what this past year has been like for you.

    He seems like he was a great person and you inherited a whole lot from him (you even look like him).

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  59. This was such a nice post to read about your dad. I can't imagine how tough yesterday was. I am so glad that you have such great memories of him to keep in your heart.

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  60. Sweet friend, what a difficult week this is. Well really, such a difficult past year. But anniversaries are especially hard. This is a beautifully written tribute. I love your honesty about who your dad was and I love seeing his features in your face. And I love knowing that you got your sense of humor from him. What a precious thing to pass on. *hugs*

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  61. thanks for sharing this with us, Elle. what a heartbreaking experience and a beautiful tribute. thinking of you!

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  62. Beautiful and heart touching post. Your father is lucky to have a daughter like you.
    http://naturelbellefemme.blogspot.com

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  63. Your dad really came alive in this beautifully written post and I'm so sorry for your loss. Big hug, lady xx

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  64. Oh Elle this is awful. I'm so sorry. Lovely post though. I'm sure he would be proud. : ) xxxx

    ♥ Carly's Beauty Blog ♥

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  65. Beautiful post about your dad, Elle. I can't believe it's been a year...you've made it through what I can only imagine is the worst pain. Prayers and thoughts are most definitely still with you.

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  66. I cried reading this. March 13th will be 8 months since my mom died. It still hurts so much.

    I know what you mean about being afraid you'll forget certain things. My mom lived a little over a year after her diagnosis, and sometimes it's hard for me to have a true memory of what she looked like before her cancer treatments. I remember photographs and videos, but I sometimes lose the real memories of how she sounded and looked.

    Sometimes I still forget she's gone. Sometimes it still doesn't seem real.

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  67. This is a beautiful post, Elle! Thank you for sharing a bit of your dad with us. He sounds like he was a wonderful man.

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  68. I loved getting to read about your dad. He sounds like such a wonderful man and I know he is proud of who you are. Such a beautiful post full of amazing memories. hugs!!!!!

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  69. Wow! This was awesome - what an amazing tribute to your father. I can only imagine this was a hard post to write - where to start, what to say, where to stop? My dad passed away at 54 after a few months battle with liver and lung cancer so I understand where you are coming from . . . oddly enough, he didn't drink or smoke. Thank you for sharing . . . I bet it felt good to wander through the memories.

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  70. This is a lovely post about your father . You will always remember what a great man he was and he will always live in your hearts and you will remember the good times that you spent together! :)

    Pinkdaisyloves.blogspot.com.cy

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  71. This is a lovely post about your father . You will always remember what a great man he was and he will always live in your hearts and you will remember the good times that you spent together! :)

    Pinkdaisyloves.blogspot.com.cy

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  72. This is a beautiful tribute to your dad. I can't even begin to imagine how hard this year has been for you and your family but I can tell by this post just how much he is loved and missed. Continuing to pray for you!

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  73. I remember when your dad passed last year and how in pain and devastated you were. Now that I know more about him and how he passed (so soon after being told he had cancer, I did not know) I can feel and understand your pain and frustration even more. He truly was such a handsome man and a man of many talents he sounds. This post was beautiful and thoughtful. He would have been so proud of you Elle!

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