That Time I Was (Almost) An Internet Troll

Last week I started my series on Internet Trolls, an issue bloggers/vloggers/online writers face. I kicked off the series with How to Deal With Internet Trolls. Trolls are cowards who criticize via hiding behind their keyboard. They want to hurt feelings and cause distress. Well, today I want to share the story of how I was almost one of those people.

There used to be a time where I read blogs for fun. I didn't comment on them, I just read them for the simple enjoyment of their content. This was before I had this blog, so maybe 7 or 8 years ago was when this occurred. And just like now, I read ALL types of blogs: beauty, fashion, style, home improvement, lifestyle, running, cooking, crafting, and mommy blogs, just to name a few, even though not all of those topics are interests of mine.

There was one mommy blog I loved and was the first on my list to read in the morning--I'll keep the details here vague just in case she still blogs. She had between two and ten kids, we'll say, and lived in a large city. She was gorgeous and her kids were too. She posted about the funny things they did, how she homeschooled them all, the delicious meals she made. Everything was organic and fresh and lovely. She posted the crafty things she made. She shared her home and how she restored it. She was pregnant with her next child while doing all of this. She was glowing and never looked exhausted. Her nails, makeup, and hair were always done. She made me feel like I knew her and the kids. She had the perfect life. She was perfect.

One summer, I visited a friend in another state. It was also the state of this blogger, and other bloggers that I read. That's pretty common now--whenever I travel I think, "Oh, so-n-so lives here!" Do you do that? Anyway, during the time I was visiting, my friend had to go into work really early, so I agreed to walk her dog. Walking her dog at this way-too-early hour, I was looking around the neighborhood, absorbing it all in. I had been going through a rough time and being in a new area was doing my heart some good.

And then I saw her. It was kind of like when you see a celebrity out and about. As much as they try to blend in, it's always jarring to me and I can immediately spot them. I couldn't believe it! This blogger that I had read for a year or so, was right here on a porch! What were the odds? I admit I have this strange luck for finding myself alone next to celebs (or people I consider famous like her) like in an elevator, bathroom, the aisle of Walmart---it's crazy!

I recognized her immediately--her dress (she had done a post recently on maternity wear and this dress was in that post), that gorgeous long hair, and her belly. She was standing up, leaning against the side of the door. Maybe she was listening out for the kids, although it was too early for them to be up, or for the timer to go off on a delicious breakfast she was making.

But what struck me was the glowing small stick between her fingers. And the puff of smoke. At first I thought it was a magic trick, like a prop, or something. Then it hit me--this pregnant woman was smoking. My face got hot. I immediately turned around with the dog. I felt like I had seen something I wasn't supposed to, like when you're a kid. But we made eye contact. She looked horrified, threw the cig down and rushed inside. I had no doubt it was her. My heart fell.

This woman I had admired, whose life I loved reading about, was doing something that wasn't healthy. After the shock wore off, the disbelief, the sadness of what I had seen, I became angry. Oh, just you wait until I get back to my friend's house! I was going to expose her on her blog. What a fake! I plotted my words the entire walk back. I don't remember if the dog did her business, because I was so mad. It wasn't fair! I didn't have kids or the life she had. Here she was lying to all of us, with her organic food, and nothing artificial! And just puffing away.

It seemed like forever until my friend's old computer booted up. I was really mad now! This was before there were horrible sites dedicated to saying mean things about those online. While I have never visited those types of places, I know I would have in that moment. Why was this woman making money online as a mommy blogger when she wasn't a good (in my eyes) Mommy? It wasn't fair!

Should I write an email to her? No. Then she would know who I was. She had seen my face and what if she figured out it was me? No, I was going to leave a comment. I typed in her blog and scrolled down to the comment section of her latest post. I angrily typed out what a fake she was, how she was hurting her baby, her kids, how she wasn't a good role model, how she was making money but was a liar. She was smoking while pregnant. She lied to us all. The comment was going to be left anonymously, of course.

But luckily my English degree-self did what I always did after writing: I let the writing cool off. I needed to step away at the computer and look at it with fresh eyes. There might be typos, or things I needed to add. I decided to make myself some coffee to calm myself down. I had never had coffee at this point in my life and had no idea what I was doing. It tasted awful, but it kind of woke me up. Here's what I thought:

• If I left the comment, she would see it and probably delete it. 
• If she left the comment up, her readers would defend her furiously in the comments. It's not like I had proof, just what I had seen. 

It was a no-win situation. What would I truly gain from this? I wouldn't get the feeling I wanted out of it. I decided to delete the whole thing. I decided to not visit her blog anymore, partly because it hurt and I think subconsciously out of guilt, like she would find out who I was or something via my IP address and find me. It is not my business how someone lives her life. None. Who am I to judge? I'm not perfect--especially as I am writing this at 2 am making the healthiest choice of eating gummy bears. But they're organic! ;) That evil person wasn't me.

That was years ago, but I have remembered just to leave. Just like with that blog. Some famous Youtubers would get me so frustrated watching them because they would have no idea how to even pronounce a product but there they were, bashing it because they didn't know how to use it. Or getting paid tons for a product that was awful. Some people I think are famous just because they are beautiful. So when I feel that way, I just stop watching. To this day (really because I'm busy) I don't watch any Youtube accounts, other than ones from blogger friends.

I have never (knowingly) left a rude comment. I don't want to be that negative person trying to bring others down to make myself feel better. Now that I am a blogger, I am thrust into this unwanted competition with others. I have seen other bloggers get opportunities that I wanted, and sometimes, it's completely unfair. I have learned to say, good for her. Blowing out someone else's candle isn't going to make mine shine any brighter. Just because I didn't get that opportunity doesn't mean I won't ever get one. This isn't a competition. As bloggers, we relate to each other in ways no one else understands. There's room for all of us. And I hope we all make it.

Have you ever wanted (or did) to leave a rude comment?
How do you handle those situations where you get angry/disappointed/etc?

Extra Elle:

Thank you for reading this lengthy post! While this situation happened nearly 8 years ago, I wanted to share it because I've grown since that moment. I wanted to be honest and share a moment I wasn't proud of but think I resolved correctly. Thanks for reading.